Perfect Flaws
by mikage-aya
Summary: Anakin Skywalker wrote a letter to his master before leaving......for good. Please read and review.
1. Part 1

Title: Perfect flaws  
  
Disclaimer: Star Wars does not belong to me.  
  
Timeframe: Between Episode 2 and 3  
  
Summary: Anakin Skywalker wrote a letter to his master before leaving.  
  
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Dear Master Kenobi,  
  
I'm sorry, Master, but I decided to leave now. Life as a Jedi is not what I'm expecting. I think that the Council is right in saying I am a danger. I am tainted, master, and I know it now. I cannot deny the calling anymore, nor can I fool myself into believing that I will ever be like you, so serene and calm. Master, I cannot live on like this, living this parody of a life, behaving like what I'm suppose to behave and yet inside of me, I can feel myself slowly dying.  
  
It all began with Padme. I guess it should make sense, since everything starts with her also. She and Qui-Gon, and you, are the ones to change my life. I thought I was in love with her, the need to protect her and care for her is so strong that I fear I will be consume in its flames. I realize, that I am willing to throw away everything you gave me, for a chance to be with her.  
  
But I do not love her now. Not the way I used to. My emotions were spent, drained to the point that I am hollow, empty within. I finally see the truth, through the Force, that our union can only bring forth darkness. And that darkness is me. Can you imagine my despair? To know that you are responsible for all those suffering and death..to realize that this is your true destiny..and you never belong to the light.  
  
I wish I can cry now, or do something. But it's too late, my master. I once love her so much, and I thought nothing bad can happen if your love is pure. But my love is not pure, it is tainted, like me.  
  
I have so little things left in my life now, and I'm trying so hard to keep all of them with me. You, the Jedi Order, Padme are all that I have left now. I do not want to lose you, nor anything else because I got so little left. And in my desperation to keep you and her by my side, I end up hurting you both. Love becomes hatred, joy becomes sorrow and compassion becomes possession.  
  
I tried to hold both of you in my arms, but like sand you slipped away. And my fear of losing becomes the seed of darkness, bearing fruit so bitter that I cannot bear to look at it. I was torn, torn between the light and darkness, between love and loyalty, torn in such a way that I have never been before, literally into pieces.  
  
Finally, I look into myself. I look into my own soul. And I realize something that all of you have realize. The darkness in my soul. I realize that whatever I do now, will only end up in suffering. And the strange thing is that balance can only be brought about by suffering, mine and the galaxy's. Because we are all tainted, and none of us is pure.  
  
Master, despite what they say, I am only human. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life pretending to be something I am not. I cannot be the perfect padawan you want me to be, and I cannot be the husband that Padme needs. I can only be who I am and I know that both of you will not accept me as I am.  
  
Perhaps, if things happen differently..but there's no use dwelling in what ifs. I am leaving now, to some place that you cannot reach me, at least for a long time. It may be sad, but it is for the greater good. Please take care of Padme for me, she is pregnant with twins. Tell my children that I love them, love them as I have love you and Padme. But my lot in life is not what I am hoping and I am but a servant to the will of the Force. But remember that all my intentions stem from love, twisted as it may be and as strange as it may sound. I'm so sorry for disobeying you, master, for all those times during my apprenticeship. I did not mean to hurt you, just trying to protect myself. I love you, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and I pray that you will forgive me eventually for what I am going to do.  
  
Your padawan  
  
Anakin Skywalker  
  
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The End  
  
Author's notes: Well, suddenly I realize that maybe Anakin's upbringing as a slave will cause him to hate authorities of all kind, so that may be an explanation why he has trouble accepting Jedi Council and Obi-Wan as higher authority. So maybe he love Obi-Wan in his way, but cannot express it except in the forms of verbal sparring. But that may be just me thinking...lol. 


	2. Part 2

Title: Perfect flaws - part 2  
  
Disclaimer: Star Wars does not belong to me.  
  
Timeframe: Between Episode 2 and 3  
  
Summary: Anakin Skywalker wrote a letter to his master ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Dear Master,  
  
How are you? I actually promised myself that I will not write to you anymore. That I'm going to severe all ties with you and Padme. That Anakin Skywalker is dead, buried and never to live again.  
  
But I cannot forget you.  
  
Did you know I miss you? Despite all that I've done. But I cannot return already, because my soul is soiled and crush, broken beyond all repair.  
  
You may have destroyed me physically, master, but I destroyed myself mentally.  
  
Did you know about Darth Vader? Do you know who he is? This giant black mechanical monster who goes around killing little Jedi deep in the night? It is me, master, me in my perfect unadulterated glory.  
  
Did you cry in the night, knowing finally what type of monster you raised, that the boy angel you adore so much was finally gone, never existed in the first place?  
  
I am death. But without death there is no rebirth. Do you understand master? Do you understand that I am not some helpless poor soul deluded into darkness? That I embrace the darkness willingly, taste it's promise and craved it like an addict. I know where I am going, and I know that this is my destiny.  
  
I prayed, meditated and waited. Wait for the Force to show me another way, a way without suffering or pain or death or destruction. A way without me turning to achieve perfect balance. But I realize that all roads were gone, and that redemption for all can only be purchase at the cost of my own damnation. So I willingly take down the road to hell, hoping to find my own salvation.  
  
But Darth Vader does not know that. Only Anakin Skywalker does. And Anakin Skywalker now resides in the recesses of Darth Vader, sleeping until a time where he would returned..  
  
Yet at times like these, master, I missed you. Missed you with every fibre of my dead heart, loving you still.  
  
He does not know. Darth Vader I mean..and I am contented to sleep within him, a tiny light that seems to be gone, yet struggling to hold on. My love for you, Padme and my children will pull me through. And then, perhaps then, I can have my own redemption. To see you, Padme and all our friends again. To have forgiveness.  
  
If you cannot forgive me, master, it's alright. I know I do not deserve forgiveness now. You have seen me finally for what I am, for what I represent. I am death and rebirth and I will rather destroy everything than to let the Darkness win. I am a puppet, but someday someone will cut my strings. And I will be free.  
  
No one will know of these words, master. No one. Even as I whisper them, they are gone, floating like ashes, ashes of broken promises. My love is weak, but the love of others will pull me through. Because I have forseen it.  
  
Your ex-padawan  
  
Anakin Skywalker  
  
************************************************************************ The End  
  
Author Note: Please read and review k...thanks.^_^ . Oh, and English is not my first language so please forgive all the mistakes. 


	3. Part 3

Title: Perfect flaws - part 3  
  
Disclaimer: Star Wars does not belong to me.  
  
Timeframe: During A New Hope  
  
Summary: Anakin Skywalker wrote a letter to his master ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Dear master,  
  
I'm so sorry, master, that I killed you today. Or rather he did..but actually the distinction between him and I is slowly fading.and I'm not sure whether are we different in the first place or not. But you knew you had to die long ago right, that your life ended the second mine did, and we both lived, linger on for only duty. I wonder where you are now, are you in a happier place? Are you with Master Qui-Gon, with Healer Bant or even my mother? Are you disappointed in me still? I wish to tell you that I'm so sorry, for the ways things turned out like this, for not living up to your expectations.  
  
Master, seeing you again, makes me feel things that I have not felt for many years. Joy, sorrow, regret, and even anger. Yes, master, I'm angry with you. Even though I have no right, even though I understand your point of view, but I cannot help but feel angry with you today. For your sacrifice.  
  
Because you want my son to kill me. You made my son hate me by letting me kill you.  
  
Do you hate me so much? My master, do you really hate me so much that you will not even raise your own saber, but instead teach my son to commit patricide? Am I so unworthy now of even your time..for you to even turn my last kin against me?  
  
Truly I must have deserved it. For otherwise how could you bear to do such a thing to anyone else when your heart is so gentle and kind. Even now, I wept deep within my soul. He does not know who that young blond man is, but I do. I know him the moment I saw him through his eyes. And I cried, in hope and joy and in pain and sorrow. A silent cry that goes unheard.  
  
But now, I am only a phantom. An illusion. Very soon, I will be no more.  
  
Master, seeing you again brings me joy. To know that you are still alive, existing somewhere, comforts me. To hear your voice again, brings back memories of times that we shared. Years of joy and sorrow. Even the happiest memory cuts me now, sharper than any blade, far more painful than any other wound. Sometimes, I rather I did not remember, did not remember your smile, your voice, your words and your look of betrayal. Because memories are all I have of you now, and memories hurts.  
  
Do you still miss me? Or have you given up hope on me already? Once you start down the dark path, forever it will dominate your destiny. Did you once smile when remembering me? I only hope I can bring you a bit of happiness even during these dark times as you remember me. But maybe it is just my own wishful thinking and no amount of atonement can wash away the stain in my soul and what is torn can never be mend again.  
  
Master, will I see you again? Will I touch you again? Or will I be render asunder from you forever? Did you love me once? Or am I just a duty to you? A remainder from Master Qui-Gon? Please, master, tell everyone for me that I am sorry. But I do not think I will ever see you again. Because I belong to the Force, and I will return to be with the Force once I die, and my consciousness will disappear forever. Or at least that is what I think. So master, do you still remember me? Because memories may be all that we shared now. No more, no less.  
  
I miss you master. Please take care of yourself.  
  
Anakin Skywalker  
  
The end  
  
Author notes: Thanks for reviewing Darth Flirt. Sorry if my story seems similar to yours, I did not meant it this way. It's written on a spur of moment.so forgive any mistakes pelase.  
  
English is not my first language, dear readers, so please forgive my mistakes.  
  
Thanks. 


	4. Part 4

Title: Perfect Flaws  
  
Summary: Just a letter  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars.  
  
Timeframe: Sometime after Empire Strikes Back  
  
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Dear master,  
  
Today, I dreamt of you and Padme again. Dreamt of you in your youthful glory, scolding me for losing my lightsaber. I watch, as the memories unfold in my dreams, seeing myself nodding absently at your lectures and your exasperated tone. I smiled, wistful at these memories. How can it be that the very things that I taken for granted in the past meant so much to me now? But I guess you can never truly appreciate something until it is gone. Then I dreamt of her, in her beautiful gown, smiling and talking. And suddenly, I felt as if the past twenty years were all washed away. And if I would, I could almost touched both of you, hold both of you by my side.  
  
Yesterday, I confronted Luke again. Cut off his hand in fact. Maybe you would ask me how could I do this, how could I hurt my very own son. I do not know. I only know that I want him, wanted him by my side so much that it is like a physical ache. Maybe it's because I had nothing left already. Power, fame and wealth cannot satisfy me now. Fear, anger and hatred cannot drive me now. I am spent and hollow. I hated myself for what I have become, but I cannot stop myself from doing the things that I am doing.  
  
Perhaps to you these are excuses, justifications for deeds that can never be justify. But master, now I understand things that I should have understood years ago. I am weak, master, so very frail. My very frailty leads me to this end. For my very weakness stemmed from my need to be loved and accepted. Did you love me once? I guess you did, though I cannot be sure. You always seemed so aloof, so far away from me. Even at our closest moments, I could sense you hiding something from me, closing a part of yourself from me. And I wept because of it.  
  
But the past is the past, and we should let it lie. The day you died is the day that I can finally let you go. Because I eventually realize that no matter how I want to keep you by my side, you were never meant to be mine. The day you died is the day Vader stop hating you, and the day Anakin Skywalker, your padawan, stop clinging onto you. I only wish for one thing, master, and yet the very one thing I desire is denied from me.  
  
I desire your forgiveness master. Can you forgive me? Can you find it in your noble heart to forgive me for swinging the blade and ending your life, as well as the lives of all those who died so many years ago?  
  
If you cannot forgive me master, then at least hate me. But don't forget me. Please don't forget the little boy you took under your wings all these years ago. Please don't forget the monster that took your life. I can bear your hatred, but I cannot bear your indifference.  
  
Have you seen Padme, master? Is she still grieving for me? Please take care of my lovely angel and tell her that a thousand tears cannot bring me back now. And a thousand prayers cannot save my soul now. But I guess you know that already.  
  
The emperor is calling me now. I have to go. Darkness beckons and we can't keep it waiting, right?  
  
Anakin Skywalker  
  
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The End  
  
Author Notes: Thanks to everyone who had read and review. It truly encouraged me a lot. 


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